Intimacy & Chronic Illness

Changes in a couple’s intimate life are expected as we grow older. The fires of passion experienced in youth evolve into burning embers that take a bit of fanning now and again to ignite. But what happens when those changes happen suddenly or as a result of an illness? For some couples, changes in intimacy can be devastating to their overall relationship. Or, depending upon their attitude, the changes can just be another hurdle that needs to be jumped together.

From my own personal standpoint, the changes in intimacy were probably the most horrendous to overcome. Those familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages will understand when I say that I am bilingual. My “love languages” are acts of service and physical touch. So when my husband became disabled and no longer could do as many “acts of service” and the amount of “physical touch” was decreased I felt lost and unloved. It was especially hard during the months that he’d be hospitalized and I’d find myself unable to sleep alone.  A lot of recovery time was spent on his Lazy-Boy in the livingroom as it was too painful to attempt to lay flat. Even when we’d make an attempt at cuddling it always felt awkward as we struggled to find the right position to both be comfortable.

And then there was the “ick” factor. He developed an abscess that measured 13cm x 13 cm and for 14 months had a drain stuck in his flank. It was a post-op MRSSA infection. So between not having a desire to get MRSSA myself and the puss draining from his body I can honestly say that during that period I was grateful to be sleeping alone.

Add to that the guilt I’d experience “the day after” when my beloved would suffer in pain or be extremely fatigued. Some relationship experts will suggest scheduling a rendezvous on the calendar for busy couples who need to build into their relationship. In our case, recovery time needs to be factored in, too!  Knowing the reason behind his pain often causes me to feel selfish and annoyed at myself for letting passion rule.  Many times I have tried to tell myself that we need to forgo a physical relationship in order to avoid his discomfort afterwards. Fortunately my husband is able to persuade me otherwise without much effort.  LOL.

So over the years we have had to deal with medication affecting libido, pain, fatigue, guilt, separation, less opportunity, aging, etc. It has not been easy.  However, we have also learned to be patient with one another and remember that “Not tonight, dear” is not a personal affront. Instead, we anticipate those precious moments together grateful that our devotion to one another has survived all that life has to offer (the good and the bad!).

Be willing to try talking things out. Chances are your mate is feeling just as perplexed by the changes as you are.  You CAN achieve a balance where you both are satisfied both physically and emotionally and emerge stronger than ever in your relationship.