Trying to Minimize Holiday Stress

So the holidays are fast approaching. It is hard to believe that it is almost time to think about Thanksgiving. For as long as I can remember, my family has hosted a large gathering of family and friends. Often, we'd squeeze twenty or more people around the table. I always cooked from scratch and set a fine table with the my in-law's wedding china. We have quite a lot to be grateful for! Every day is a gift.

Far too often caregivers get caught up in the details of the holiday celebrations and create too much additional stress for ourselves and our families. One of the hardest things about a chronic illness or disability is the fact that things are quite unpredictable. It is almost impossible to predict if our loved one will have a good day or a bad. There's  always the dilemma over what to do. Do we accept that invitation or not? Should we have people over? Do we keep with the family traditions or do something different?

When I am speaking to groups about alleviating caregiver stress I make a few simple suggestions regarding holiday celebrations:

• If you must go "all out," pick one holiday and make it your own. As I said previously, I made Thanksgiving "our" holiday. Perhaps you'd like to make Memorial Day your holiday and host a back yard bar-b-que following the Memorial Day parade. Or perhaps a Super Bowl party is more your speed. It is better to do one celebration well than try to do all of them and exhaust yourself.
• Simplify. Holiday decorations that rival the Hallmark Channel Christmas specials look spectacular on Pinterest but really are not necessary. You can tastefully decorate with minimal effort and still feel festive. If you typically cook traditional meals, cut back on the menu and make just a few favorites. Sometimes less = more. 
• Many of us in the midst of caregiving have neither the time nor the money to buy gifts for large families. Perhaps it is time to modify the way your family exchanges gifts. Some families draw names. Others buy for only the little children. Gift cards are an option, too. Do some brainstorming with other family members to find something that works, even if that means eliminating the gift exchange entirely. 
• Potluck. Ask others to bring a dish to share. 
• Shop on line. If you are fortunate enough to have grocery stores in your area that offer on line ordering and delivery service, take advantage of it! You can have food delivered right to your doorstep and never have to fight the long lines.

There are plenty of other ways in which you can simplify your holidays. I suppose the first place to start is by prioritizing what is special to you and your family. 

This year I am contemplating how I can best serve my husband and also have family involved in our Thanksgiving dinner. Instead of our large gathering, I have decided to cook a few traditional favorites for the two of us and then have others come for dessert. It's a far cry from what we are used to. It saddens me, in a way. But, when I consider how exhausted he becomes after dialysis treatments I know in my heart that it is probably best we scale things back. 

We DO have a lot to be grateful for despite the break in tradition. I hope you can say the same! 

Helping Those Who Need it Most

There is a link below to a blog written by Herb Reese of New Commandment Men's Ministries. In his blog, he included a letter from a woman he knows who has had to deal with chronic illness and disability in her family for many years.

I have to admit: I am the woman who wrote to Herb. For a number of years I  have been envious of the people that are served by his ministry. New Commandment Men's Ministries serves widows and single mothers by equipping and training churches to develop teams that will roll up their sleeves and provide help to those who need it on a consistent basis.

It's true that over the years my family has been blessed beyond measure by friends, family and the church. I love each and every one of you who have helped. I truly do. And I do not want to appear ungrateful. But the help is inconsistent. And frankly, the further down this path we travel (it has been years!) the less support is there.

Many well- meaning people have said, "I don't know how you do it."  If you look around, you'll see I am not doing it. Do you see my lawn? the grass is up to my calf. The weeds in my garden? The stack of bills? Dishes? Home repairs that are screaming to get done? The "to do" list is getting longer each day and it is almost impossible to juggle all the needs of my family.

Chronic illness sucks.

This week alone, I have been ping-ponging between two healthcare facilities as one member of my immediate family is in the hospital and another was transferred to sub acute care and rehab.

And I am at the end of my rope.

Ironic isn't it? I have this great desire to help caregivers in their struggles and yet here I am. Most likely I have crossed over from feeling caregiver stress to burnout. I don't need a mental health day. I need an escape from reality.

Take a moment to read what I wrote to Herb and his response via his blog. And please remember to set aside some time to help someone in need. It doesn't need to be much. Spend an hour pulling weeds, for instance. Your efforts will go a long way in making someone's life a little easier.

If Your Church Really Wants to Help, Consider This

Intimacy & Chronic Illness

Changes in a couple’s intimate life are expected as we grow older. The fires of passion experienced in youth evolve into burning embers that take a bit of fanning now and again to ignite. But what happens when those changes happen suddenly or as a result of an illness? For some couples, changes in intimacy can be devastating to their overall relationship. Or, depending upon their attitude, the changes can just be another hurdle that needs to be jumped together.

From my own personal standpoint, the changes in intimacy were probably the most horrendous to overcome. Those familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages will understand when I say that I am bilingual. My “love languages” are acts of service and physical touch. So when my husband became disabled and no longer could do as many “acts of service” and the amount of “physical touch” was decreased I felt lost and unloved. It was especially hard during the months that he’d be hospitalized and I’d find myself unable to sleep alone.  A lot of recovery time was spent on his Lazy-Boy in the livingroom as it was too painful to attempt to lay flat. Even when we’d make an attempt at cuddling it always felt awkward as we struggled to find the right position to both be comfortable.

And then there was the “ick” factor. He developed an abscess that measured 13cm x 13 cm and for 14 months had a drain stuck in his flank. It was a post-op MRSSA infection. So between not having a desire to get MRSSA myself and the puss draining from his body I can honestly say that during that period I was grateful to be sleeping alone.

Add to that the guilt I’d experience “the day after” when my beloved would suffer in pain or be extremely fatigued. Some relationship experts will suggest scheduling a rendezvous on the calendar for busy couples who need to build into their relationship. In our case, recovery time needs to be factored in, too!  Knowing the reason behind his pain often causes me to feel selfish and annoyed at myself for letting passion rule.  Many times I have tried to tell myself that we need to forgo a physical relationship in order to avoid his discomfort afterwards. Fortunately my husband is able to persuade me otherwise without much effort.  LOL.

So over the years we have had to deal with medication affecting libido, pain, fatigue, guilt, separation, less opportunity, aging, etc. It has not been easy.  However, we have also learned to be patient with one another and remember that “Not tonight, dear” is not a personal affront. Instead, we anticipate those precious moments together grateful that our devotion to one another has survived all that life has to offer (the good and the bad!).

Be willing to try talking things out. Chances are your mate is feeling just as perplexed by the changes as you are.  You CAN achieve a balance where you both are satisfied both physically and emotionally and emerge stronger than ever in your relationship.

Relieving Caregiver Stress

Chronic illness and disability affect all members of a family, not just the person suffering from the condition. Typically, one person assumes the role of caregiver and as such assumes much of the responsibility of the household. For many, this role is assumed without fanfare as it is only natural to have a desire to help the one(s) we love and to keep the home fires burning. Too often, however, the caregiver will find him/herself drifting toward caregiver syndrome, also known as caregiver stress, without even realizing it.

Caregiver syndrome is only recently being recognized as a by-product of the increasing demands that are associated with long-term care of a loved one. It is not uncommon for the caregiver to feel resentment or depressed.  One might feel completely overwhelmed and alone, be irritable, have problems sleeping, neglect one’s own health needs, feel anxious, etc.  Juggling the needs of the disabled or ill spouse, a career, household duties and all of the demands of day to day living can create a situation that can adversely affect the caregiver’s health and the health of the relationship in general.

It is strongly recommended that the caregiver find avenues to relieve some of the day to day stress associated with caring for a loved one. It is important to take care of yourself. Some ways to do that are:

• develop a support system of family, friends or church family. Do not try to do it alone
• communicate with your spouse and other family about your feelings and needs
• prayer and meditation
• physical exercise (walk, garden, go to the gym, swim, etc)
• continue to have your own hobbies or interests even if it means doing so without your spouse participating. Plan a day trip with a friend.
• get regular check-ups
• have a special place in your house as your “quiet spot” where you can go to regroup and get away from the chaos, even if for only 20 minutes at a time
• learn to change your expectations and work toward acceptance of the situation
• speak to a counselor or pastor or join a support group
• educate yourself about the condition(s) your family member suffers from
• forgive yourself if you come to the realization that it is no longer possible for you to maintain adequate care of your loved one without outside services or potential placement in a care facility. Do not be a martyr.
• Share special moments with your loved one each day, even if it’s just a quiet cup of coffee together while listening to relaxing music
• Cry. Punch a pillow. Call a friend. Pray some more. Don’t give up!

Too often couples will ignore the signs and symptoms of caregiver stress until it is too late. It is essential that the parties involved learn to work together and understand that the illness affects each of you in a profound way. Remember that the illness does not need to define you or your relationship.

Don't Let Your Burdens Weigh You Down

Learning to Delegate

Do you ever feel over- burdened? If you're like most of us, the answer will be, "Yes." As a matter of fact, my answer is more like "When am I not?" Too often I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders as I go through the day. And frankly, that really is not necessary.

There was a day not too long ago that despite being over tired and achy I decided to do the food shopping on my way home. Feeling exhausted I muddled through the experience and loaded the car with oodles of bundles that included a 50lb bag of dog food. A feeling of dread accompanied me on the drive home as I thought about how I was going to have to unload the car and put all the stuff away. Then, pulling into the driveway I realized I had three choices:

1.            Do it all myself without asking the family for help.

2.            Ask someone to help me but still do the bulk of it myself.

3.            Ask others in the family to take over the task and go inside and rest.

If I did it all by myself, the feeling of being over- burdened would only increase as would my physical tiredness. If I asked for help but did not let go of the task I'd feel a little relief but not enough to be restored. I figured out I needed to just let others carry my load. I needed to delegate. And just as importantly, I needed to relinquish the burden.

As caregivers we need to take a hard look at the number of tasks we try to accomplish and recognize that it is acceptable to ask for assistance, especially when the burdens seem to be weighing us down. Asking for help is not easy for most of us. It might take some practice. But in the long run, by not being a martyr, you will find that the load is much easier to handle.